Some days feel like I am shoveling everything I can into my mouth and mind all in the hopes of receiving a tiny fortune cookie at the end. When one of the little warriors is trying to speak to me or remind me of a situation I once endured. I consider it a fortune and a curse.
Shedding light on all the gaps surrounding my memory which I've been diligently trying to piece back together also reminds me that I have to be mindful of what I'm "wishing for".
When I was younger---I confused the little warriors with voices of those whose only intent was to cause harm. I thought they were ghosts that were trying to haunt me for my shortcomings.
I now try to think of them as the cartoon ghost Casper. A part of me that is immensely lonely and wanting a friend. Instead of resisting what needs to be processed internally and said externally, I respect any warrior that is attempting to come forward.
We all want peace and to be able to go to bed each night with both our eyes shutting calmly as we give in to the fatigue of the day.
I’d like to think that by giving my warriors a chance to speak their mind and/or try to justify to themselves and me the impossible question as to WHY? and HOW? this could have happened in the first place, I know I'm actually giving them the chance to finally move on one by one. While it scares me sometimes; I know they don't serve the same purpose anymore.
MY true inner warrior is preparing itself to continue the fight alone but with that being said, I do hope and wonder sometimes if it's coming from a place of being thoroughly emancipated from the various chains that bound me... or if it‘s a battle I genuinely can not face on my own.
While I realize it is not a battle any ex-prince or princess should face alone; my distrust in the world and most others prevents me seeking comfort in my environment. C-PTSD is the friend who has a hard time moving past their high school days. Instead of falling into a trap of repetition I need to remember to still get off the bus sometimes. I might not always know my destination but what I do know is that...
I am the driver.